Leadership is essentially about influence. Most everyone leads in some fashion. We may not all lead large organizations, but most people have influence in various areas of their lives—work, home, social life.
Great leaders have both character and competence. Competence is necessary, but, according to noted organizational psychologist and author of Derailed, Dr. Tim Irwin, “character trumps competence”.
According to Dr. Irwin, character failures are why so many leaders derail. He cites leaders such as Tiger Woods, Tony Heyward, CEO of BP, Mark Hurd, CEO of HP, and Robert Nardelli, CEO of Home Depot. All of whom had high levels of competence and incredible influence over others, but through character flaws were derailed from their leadership positions.
According to Dr. Irwin’ book Derailed, there are Five Stages of Derailment:
1. Lack of self-awareness.
Leaders start to derail when they lack the ability to monitor their own behavior. They are unable to sense their own motives, thoughts, and feelings. They are not self-aware.
2. Arrogance.
Robert Nardelli, CEO of Home Depot, took a nine car parking space and had an elevator programmed to go directly to his personal office space on the top floor. He was selfish, arrogant, and dismissive of others.
3. Ignoring Warning Signals.
When leaders do not accept feedback, it is just a matter of time until they derail. Healthy leaders are coach-able and know how to benefit from the insight and feedback of others.
4. Rationalization.
This is where people lie to themselves. They tell themselves that they can never fail, that they are above the rules or above the law. They rationalize that they are so important they can do whatever they want.
5. Derailment.
This is where the leader loses their standing in some vital way.
To avoid derailment Dr. Irwin encourages leaders to continually develop and nurture the habits of being self-aware, being aware of others, and the habit of paying attention and listening to feedback.
Great advice whether you lead a family or a corporation.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Feel free to email me or visit my website.
Four Cores of Character
Four Cores of Character–Leadership Wired Blog Review
John Maxwell Company’s “Leadership Wired Blog” is a good source of info and inspiration for leaders and future leaders. (http://www.johnmaxwell.com/blog/)<
The most recent blog post, which covers material from Maxwell’s book Beyond Talent, begins with the question, “Are you a person of character?” As a huge fan of periodic self-examination I believe this is a great question to ponder.
The blog’s angle is the relationship between character and talent. However, I believe the points made in the post go beyond protecting and assessing one’s talent and really speak to having a strong foundation of
character in every area of our lives.
In Beyond Talent Maxwell states, “Character creates a foundation upon which the structure of your talent and your life can build. If there are cracks in that foundation, you cannot build much.” Well said, Mr. Maxwell.
Here are the four cores of character from Beyond Talent:
1. Self-Discipline—“The ability to do what is right even when you do not feel like doing it.”
2. Core Values—“Give order and structure to an individual’s inner life, and when that inner life is in order, a person can navigate almost anything the world throws at him.”
3. A Sense of Identity—“No matter how hard you try, you cannot consistently behave in a way that is inconsistent with how you see yourself.”
4. Integrity—“When values, thoughts, feelings, and actions are in alignment, a person becomes focused and his character is strengthened.”
A person with strong character walks with integrity by consistently sticking to their values. Unfortunately, many are raised in families where they were not taught healthy values.
Fear not, it is never too late to start learning healthy values and making the decision to live by them so that you can become a person of strong character. If you aren’t sure of your core values, start making a
list of what you do value. Then fine tune and complete the list using trusted sources such as the Bible.
Thank you John Maxwell and Leadership Wired for your blog and your book. Both are well worth reading.
I would love to hear your thoughts on character.You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com.
Websites: www.thecrossing.com, www.carepossible.org and
www.randymoraitis.com
The 5 Love Languages
By Randy Moraitis, MA, BCPC, CPC
What if there was a way for you to know how to have better relationships? A way to better understand yourself and a way to better understand your partner? Wouldn’t that be great? Well guess what? There is!
It is the New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. This classic book is a favorite of pre-marital counselors and marriage counselors because the information it contains is helpful to any relationship. In fact it has been translated to more than 40 languages and has helped people around the world.
The premise of the book is that although there are many ways we can show our love to others, there are five “love languages” that are universal. Dr. Chapman states that we all have a love language and we can all relate primarily to one of these five love languages:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
The book describes the different love languages in detail to help you understand both your primary love languages, as well as your partners. There is even an assessment in the book that will determine your primary and secondary love languages.
Why is this important? As a counselor I often work with couples who do not really understand their partners. They spend a lot of energy trying to show love to their partner, but it is usually in their own love language, not their partners. This ends up being wasted time and energy that only leads to frustration for both parties.
As an example, I once worked with a couple who just weren’t connecting. The husband was confused and frustrated. He came home from work every day and did a lot of housework thinking he was showing his love to his wife. He thought this way because his “love language” was acts of service. However, his wife’s love language was quality time. She just wanted his time and attention; she didn’t care about him mopping the floor, so she felt unloved and she let him know it!
They were not connecting because they were not speaking the right language to each other. Once they learned about their love languages, they were able to express their love to each other in ways that really led to deeper and more fulfilling connection.
How about you? Do you know your love language? And more importantly, do you know your partner’s love language? If not, I highly recommend you read The 5 Love Languages. A little education and a little effort can go a long way towards improving your relationship and transforming your life!
I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. If you have any questions or comments, please send them to randy@randymoraitis.com.
Website: www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com.
4 Steps to a Great Valentine’s Day
4 Steps to a Great Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day—the often dreaded, frequently disappointing, and usually expensive holiday is here.
Here are 4 easy to remember steps to help make this Valentine’s Day have more lasting meaning and depth than you can buy with an expensive present. (You can still buy the present!)
L—LOVE.
One of the best ways to show you love and care about someone is to actively listen to them. Look them in their eyes when they talk to you. Reflect, and repeat back, some of what they say to you in order to show and ensure that you understand them. Feeling listened to will make someone feel loved and cared for.
O—Overcome.
When you are in a long term relationship with someone you are bound to experience conflict. Remember to work together as a team so that you can overcome any bumps in the road together.
V—Value.
Stop and think about how important your special someone is to you. What do they mean to you? What do you appreciate about them? Whatever just came to your mind—be sure to share that. Tell them how much you value and appreciate them.
E—Encourage.
One of my favorite quotes is “encourage one another and build each other up” (from 1 Thessalonians 5:11). Our words are so powerful—we need to use them to encourage and build up our loved ones. It takes five positive comments to balance out one negative comment to others (read that twice so it sinks in!). Make sure your words encourage those you love if you really want them to feel loved.
Whether you are spending time on Valentine’s Day with your spouse, your significant other, or your children, if you remember to Listen, Overcome, Value, and Encourage them, I am pretty sure that they are going to feel the love!
How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com or visit my websites www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com
What To Do When Someone You Care About Has An Addiction
It is sad but true that addiction is so prevalent in society that most everyone knows someone who struggles with it. Having a friend or family member who is an addict is painful, confusing, and frustrating.
So what do you do when someone you care about is an addict? What can you do to help them and keep your sanity? Here are four steps to follow when you care about someone struggling with addiction.
First—confront them. Do it in a loving, but assertive and honest way. Tell them what you have observed and how that makes you feel. Do not ignore the problem and pretend as if nothing is wrong. If there is an elephant in the room, then point it out and start talking about it!
Second—do not enable them! Do not give money to someone active in his or her addiction. Do not cover for them and make excuses for them. No matter how much you love them, you must be strong and not enable their addictive behavior in any way at all.
Third—go to an Al-Anon meeting. This will accomplish two important items. First, you can’t change people, but you can influence them. The best way to influence someone else’s behavior is with your own. If you attend Al-Anon meetings and let the addict you care about know you are attending meetings as a result of their addiction, it may have some influence. Second, as someone who cares about an addict, you need support and guidance and Al-Anon is a great place to get it.
Fourth—do your very best to get your loved one into some sort of treatment. Addiction is serious and requires professional treatment. This can come in various forms including attendance in recovery meetings, working a 12 step program with a sponsor, counseling, or admittance to a treatment center. And, you may need to use an interventionist to get your loved one into treatment.
By following the four steps above you just may save a life. Feel free to email me if you have any questions randy@randymoraitis.com. Websites: www.randymoraitis.com, www.carepossible.org, and www.thecrossing.com.
Should I Drug Test My Teen?
Should I Drug Test My Teen?
People often ask me whether they should drug test their teen. I believe that home drug testing of teens is a great tool, but like any tool, it must be used properly. Here are some facts to guide you in your decision making:
Easy Access–Home drug tests can be purchased online or in most pharmacies. Before purchasing, be sure to do some research online, or ask your physician or pharmacist for their recommendation. Be aware that home drug tests do not test for every drug, but they are still very useful.
Peer Pressure Victory–Most teens will inevitably be faced with peer pressure or circumstances to try drugs. If you let your teen know that they will be randomly drug tested, then you are giving them a safe way out of these pressure filled situations. This can be very powerful!
Tested Positive—Now What?–Think through how you will respond if your teen tests positive. Start with an honest heart-to-heart and try to find out what is going on in your teen’s life. Schedule an appointment with a counselor specializing in addictions. Continue testing and if there are more positive results get your teen into treatment.
Tested Negative—Now What?–A negative test deserves praise and still serves as an opportunity for honest discussion about drugs and alcohol—a subject that many are uncomfortable to discuss. Create a culture in your family where it is safe to talk about anything.
Also, keep in mind that a negative test may also mean that drugs have simply already passed through your teen’s system and are no longer detectable. If you observe suspicious behavior, follow your intuition and test again soon or consult with your physician or a counselor.
Parenting teens is hard! The wise parent will use every tool in the toolbox and drug testing is a great tool. I’d enjoy hearing your thoughts on this subject. You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com or visit my websites www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com.
5 Questions to Ask Your Teen
By Randy Moraitis, MA, BCPC, CPC
I once heard it said that raising a teenager is like trying to nail jello to a tree–very challenging. I should know, I’m on my fifth teen and I’ve got the gray hairs to prove it!
Parents of teens have so much to worry about when their teens go out–alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, texting while driving–the list is very long and very scary.
Before your teen goes out, as part of setting clear expectations and boundaries, be sure to ask these five questions:
1. What will you be doing?
2. Where will you be going?
3. Who will you be with?
4. When will you be home?
5. How can I reach you?
By asking these questions, and only allowing your teen to go out once you have the answers, you are being a very proactive and responsible parent and sending a message to your teen that you love them and are paying attention.
Next blog–“Should I drug test my teen?”
I’d enjoy hearing your thoughts on this subject. You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com or visit my websites ==www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com
Having the Hard Conversation
By Randy Moraitis MA, BCPC, CPC
Hard conversations are no fun, but they are a reality of life. Sooner or later you will have to have a hard conversation—with a friend, family member, coworker, customer, or client.
Since hard conversations are inevitable, and avoiding them usually only compounds the problem, the smart move is to prepare for the conversation so you can have the best possible outcome.
Here is a great tool to use whenever faced with a difficult conversation. Using this tool you will result in you responding mindfully to the conversation instead of getting sucked in and responding emotionally or reactively.
The tool is an acronym called DEAR MAN and is used as a script to prepare before having that hard conversation. Here is how it works:
Describe the situation/facts as you would to the person.
Express how you feel about the situation/facts.
Assert by directly stating what you want or don’t want.
Reinforce by sharing how your request will help you and the other person.
Mindful—stay focused and mindful of the issues at hand. Don’t get sidetracked.
Appear Confident—even if you don’t feel confident! Maintain eye contact, be calm and speak confidently.
Negotiate—explore other options for a solution.
The next time you are faced with a hard conversation, set yourself up for success by taking a few moments to go through the DEAR MAN exercise in advance. You’ll be glad you did.
I’d enjoy hearing your thoughts on this. You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com or visit my websites www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com.
DEAR MAN exercise is adapted from Marsha Linehan’s Skills Training Manual (1993)
Leadership Lesson—How to Avoid Derailment
Leadership is essentially about influence. Most everyone leads in some fashion. We may not all lead large organizations, but most people have influence in various areas of their lives—work, home, social life.
Great leaders have both character and competence. Competence is necessary, but, according to noted organizational psychologist and author of Derailed, Dr. Tim Irwin, “character trumps competence”.
According to Dr. Irwin, character failures are why so many leaders derail. He cites leaders such as Tiger Woods, Tony Heyward, CEO of BP, Mark Hurd, CEO of HP, and Robert Nardelli, CEO of Home Depot. All of whom had high levels of competence and incredible influence over others, but through character flaws were derailed from their leadership positions.
According to Dr. Irwin’ book Derailed, there are Five Stages of Derailment:
1. Lack of self-awareness.
Leaders start to derail when they lack the ability to monitor their own behavior. They are unable to sense their own motives, thoughts, and feelings. They are not self-aware.
2. Arrogance.
Robert Nardelli, CEO of Home Depot, took a nine car parking space and had an elevator programmed to go directly to his personal office space on the top floor. He was selfish, arrogant, and dismissive of others.
3. Ignoring Warning Signals.
When leaders do not accept feedback, it is just a matter of time until they derail. Healthy leaders are coach-able and know how to benefit from the insight and feedback of others.
4. Rationalization.
This is where people lie to themselves. They tell themselves that they can never fail, that they are above the rules or above the law. They rationalize that they are so important they can do whatever they want.
5. Derailment.
This is where the leader loses their standing in some vital way.
To avoid derailment Dr. Irwin encourages leaders to continually develop and nurture the habits of being self-aware, being aware of others, and the habit of paying attention and listening to feedback.
Great advice whether you lead a family or a corporation.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Feel free to email me or visit my website.
FAQs About Addiction
Here is a brief list of frequently asked questions (FAQs) I receive about addiction:
1. How do I know if it really is an addiction?
When a person requires increasing amounts of a habit forming substance, or compulsive behavior, they likely have an addiction. If there are negative consequences because of the substance use or behavior, this is usually a clear indicator that there is an addiction requiring treatment.
2. What should I do if think I am addicted?
According to the American Society for Addiction Medicine (ASAM) addiction is a bio-psycho-social-spiritual affliction that is very difficult to treat without help. If you think you are struggling with an addiction, seek help immediately! A great first step is to attend a support group such as AA or NA. Depending on the addiction, a medically supervised detox may be necessary, so consulting with a physician or checking into an addiction treatment center is advised.
3. What should I do if I suspect a loved on of having an addiction?
Addiction is a life and death problem. If you or someone you love struggles with addiction, get help now. For a list of resources to get you started click here.
Need to Chill?
By Randy Moraitis, MA, CIP, BCPC
Stressed out? Tense? Anxious?
If so, here is a simple technique to help you relax. This technique will lower your heart rate, your blood pressure, and your potential for doing or saying something you may regret.
The technique is called “four square breathing” and is taught to military special forces units and first responders to help them stay calm in very stressful situations.
Four square breathing is a quick and easy way to get calm, cool, and collected and can be done virtually anytime and anywhere. I’ve used the technique very successfully with many clients over the years.
Here’s how to do Four Square Breathing:
1. Inhale through the nose for four seconds.
2. Hold the breath for four seconds.
3. Exhale through the mouth for four seconds.
4. Pause for four seconds.
Repeat for 1-3 minutes.
Tips to make this exercise even more effective:
1. Drop and relax your shoulders on each exhale.
2. Focus on a positive, encouraging, relaxing short phrase on each of the four breathing steps and say it in your during each of the four steps.
3. Listen to relaxing music while doing this technique.
4. Once four seconds per step becomes easy, you can increase the duration of each step to six or eight seconds.
I would love to hear any suggestions you have for relaxation. Contact me at randy@randymoraitis.com. Websites: www.randymoraitis.com and www.carepossible.org.