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liar

Do you ever wish you were better at spotting a liar?  Do you have trouble trusting your teen, spouse, or employee? Here’s some info that will help you be a better lie detector!

It takes a lot more mental effort to lie than it does to tell the truth because it’s hard work to remember all the details of the lies. This fact can help us catch a lie if we know what to look for.

Psychologist Jacqueline Evans of the University of Texas and her colleagues developed a set of lie-detecting guidelines that anyone can use.  Here are six cues that, when combined, signal a lie.

  1. Missing Details–A person honestly recounting an event might mention the kind of music playing in the background or the color of the flowers on the table. A liar skips many little details because they are difficult to reconstruct or remember in later renditions.
  2. Claims of Faulty Memory–Liars may claim to have a poor memory, when the truth is that they can’t remember their own lies!
  3. Corrections or Contradictions–Liars often heavily edit their stories as they are retelling them. So pay attention–if this happens frequently enough, you may be hearing a lie.
  4. Effortful Thinking–If it appears the person is putting a lot of effort into coming up with their story, then that is a good indication that you may be hearing a lie.
  5. Nerves or Tension–It takes a great liar, or a psychopath, to pull off a string of falsehoods without looking at least somewhat anxious.
  6. Unusually Slow Speed–Liars often need to take quite a bit longer to tell their stories because they need to self-edit and try to be consistent.

What’s your favorite way to spot a liar?  I would love to hear your comments! You can email me at randy@carepossible.org

Websites:
www.carepossible.org
www.thecrossing.com
www.randymoraitis.com

Special thanks to Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PH.D., and Psychology Today 12/14 for this info.

Temper Tantrum

I’ve noticed that adults rarely think in terms of maturity with each other. In fact, we grown ups tend to expect maturity from other grown ups, right? And that often leads to disappointment.

Here are 7 Signs of Emotional Maturity. Take a moment to honestly assess how you are doing in each of these areas.

1. The ability to deal constructively with reality.

2. The capacity to adapt to change.

3. A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties.

4. The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving.

5. The ability to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness.

6. The capacity to direct one’s instinctive hostile energy into creative and constructive outlets.

7. The capacity to love.

If you find yourself lacking in one or more of the above criteria, you are not alone. Many of us grew up in homes where these traits were not modeled or taught. But don’t worry, it’s never too late to grow up! Ask a trusted friend or mentor to help you grow in the areas needed, or seek a coach or counselor for expert guidance.

I would love to hear your comments! You can email me at randy@carepossible.org

Websites: www.carepossible.orgwww.thecrossing.comwww.randymoraitis.com


Those who know me well know that I am a huge fan of healthy boundaries. So when I came across these tips on Finding Your Voice to say No by psychologist Judith Sills, Ph.D., I just had to share. If you are new to saying no and setting boundaries, give these tips a try– you will be empowered!

Finding Your Voice

1. Replace your automatic Yes with “I’ll think about it.” This puts you in control, softens the ground for a NO and gives you time to think things through to make a healthy choice.

2. Soften your language. Try “I’m not comfortable with that”, or “I’d rather not”, or “let’s agree to disagree”. You are still delivering a clear “no”, but softening your language may make it go down better.

3. Contain your feelings. Even though you may not feel like it, No is best delivered pleasantly with an air of calm. Outward calm quiets your inner turmoil and reduces the negative impact of your No on your audience.

4. Refer to your commitment to others. Say No without appearing selfish by stating how you would love to help, but must keep your prior commitment to your mother, child, etc., and you can’t let them down.

5. Realize you represent others. When you realize it is not just your own interest at stake, but that of your family’s, you will feel more assertive in giving a No to a low-ball offer or intrusion on your time.

6. Rehearse. This strategy is best for ongoing situations such as a demanding boss or recurring relational conflict with a spouse, friend, or family member. By rehearsing, you are prepared to respond with a calm, respectful No.

With some regular practice finding your voice, you just may get to the place where you can respond to any inappropriate, uncomfortable, excessive request with a firm one-word, no explanation verdict–No.

I wish you well in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Email: randy@randymoraitis.com

Websites: www.carepossible.com, www.randymoraitis.com

anxiety

Anxiety–A Brief History

Suffer from anxiety?  If so, you are not alone. According to the National Institute of Mental Health over 55 million Americans struggle with anxiety.

In a quest for better understanding and relief from anxiety, author Scott Stossel chronicled the history of the evolution of anxiety (Psychology Today, Feb. 2014). Here are the highlights:

4th Century B.C.–Hippocrates describes anxiety as a medical disease caused by “body juices”. Plato and his followers argue that it’s a philosophical problem, not a physical one. This launched an enduring argument between biological and mental approaches.

1862–An anxiety ridden Union soldier is diagnosed with “soldier’s heart”, a precursor to “shell shock” and post-traumatic stress disorder.

1883–The case of a man with an open hole in his stomach sheds light on how emotion affects the digestive system. When the man is anxious, his stomach tissue turns visibly pale.

1899–The Merck Manual (a medical reference book) recommends opium as an anxiety remedy.

1908–Two psychologists connect peak performance with optimal levels of arousal, suggesting that the right balance of anxiety–not too much, not too little–can be helpful during a test or competition.

1959–The New York Times makes the first written reference to antidepressants which paves the way for a surge in pharmacological anxiety treatments.

1980–The 3rd edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is released, replacing Freudian concepts of neurosis with panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other types of anxiety.

2005–The National Institute of Mental Health reports that 18% of American adults have some type of anxiety disorder.

So anxiety is real, it’s been around for thousands of years, and it requires treatment. In my next blog I will give recommendations for those afflicted with anxiety issues. In the meantime you can check out some resources here: http://carepossible.org/resources/

I’d love to hear from you! If you need support with anxiety please contact me at randy@randymoraitis.com. Websites: www.carepossible.com, www.randymoraitis.com.

Boundaries For Leaders was written by Dr. Henry Cloud, best known as the coauthor of the bestselling book Boundaries. I am a huge fan of Boundaries and really believe that it should be required reading for every human being. As a counselor it has been my observation that many problems experienced by individuals and families are often related to boundary issues.

So it was with great anticipation that I read Dr. Cloud’s new book Boundaries For Leaders, subtitled Results, Relationships, and Being Ridiculously in Charge.

This book was intended for, and marketed towards, executives and leaders who want to create successful organizations with satisfied employees and customers. However, I believe the principles taught by Dr. Cloud, based on his years of experience as a psychologist, life coach, and business consultant, can apply to anyone who has influence over others including parents, community leaders, and church leaders.

Boundaries for Leaders is full of tried and tested tools and techniques that leaders can use to inspire maximum performance from those they lead, as well create a mentally healthy organization.

According to Dr. Cloud a leader must, “accept that you are ridiculously in charge and that you are responsible for establishing the climate for success, setting the terms and expectations for performance with your people, for your organization, and for yourself.” (p. 235)

Some of Dr. Cloud’s suggestions for leaders include:

  • Create an emotional environment that is free of the wrong kinds of stress.
  • Build teams that are deeply connected.
  • Help people to think optimistically and root out pessimism.

The bottom line: leaders get what they create and what they allow! (Side-note–so do parents!)

I highly recommend this book for everyone as I believe we all have the potential to be leaders wherever we are. Add it to your summer reading list and watch yourself become ridiculously in charge!

I would love to hear your thoughts!
Email randy@randymoraitis.com
Websites: www.thecrossing.com or www.randymoraitis.com

The Circle Maker

The Circle Maker is the latest book by author and pastor Mark Batterson. The book debuted on the New York Times Bestseller list last year and has found quite a following as one can see from a quick internet search of the title.

The book proved to be both easy to read, and hard to put down. In part due to Batterson’s writing style, and in part due to the intriguing, inspirational content.

The premise of the book is all about praying big and dreaming big. That we are to do this by “praying circles” around our hopes, needs, and dreams.

According to Pastor Mark Batterson, “Drawing prayer circles around our dreams isn’t just a mechanism whereby we accomplish great things for God. It’s a mechanism whereby God accomplishes great things in us.”

I found this book to be very inspirational and motivational. It encouraged me to take a look at how intentional and focused I was in my personal prayer life.

The last part of the book focuses on goal setting and the legacy we will leave. As a life coach,  I was truly very excited about this section and trust that it will benefit everyone, regardless of their belief system.

This book is motivational and a call to action. As I read it I was inspired to pray more often and pray more intentionally. I was motivated to really be thoughtful about my goals and the legacy I will leave to others.

One measure of a good book is whether it motivates readers to take action. Well The Circle Maker has certainly inspired this reader. I highly recommend this book!

I would love to hear your thoughts! Email randy@randymoraitis.com.
Websites: www.thecrossing.com or www.randymoraitis.com

marriage
1. TALK!
It is critical for couples to talk regularly and talk from the heart! As you get to know your spouse better you should grow in learning how and when to best communicate. Be wise and pay attention to what works and what doesn’t. And when you do talk, share your feelings. If you have trouble expressing your emotions, try a feelings chart by clicking here.

2. GRATITUDE!
Having an attitude of gratitude will really change the tone of your marriage. Be sincerely grateful for your spouse, and let them know that you are grateful. Sometimes we get so busy with the daily tasks of life that we take our spouses for granted. Be thankful, then tell your spouse that you are thankful!

3. TEACHABILITY!
Be open minded and mature enough to realize that you may have some new lessons to learn. We are all works in progress that will do best if open to learning and growing through life. Sometimes couple may need a therapist or counselor to teach them the tools and skills needed to grow together through a difficult issue or season.

4. INTIMACY!
There are three types of intimacy that are key to the best marriages–relational intimacy, spiritual intimacy  and sexual intimacy. When you have the first two in place, the third flows more naturally. Be sure to invest in relational intimacy through talks, activities, and date nights. Invest in spiritual intimacy by praying together and attending church together. The closeness you develop through these activities will serve to strengthen your sexual intimacy.

5. DO-OVERS!
Let’s face it, we all make mistakes! Because of this I encourage all married couples to have a rule in their marriage: if they are arguing, one spouse can say, “Let’s start over” and the other agrees.This works great for most day to day marital spats. Obviously more serious issues may require a counselor to help resolve. Bottom line–forgiveness and the willingness to start fresh is key to a healthy marriage. Holding on to resentments only hurts the marriage.

Talk to your spouse, or future spouse, about these five tips. Just having that conversation is a healthy start!

If you have any marriage tips, I’d love to hear them. You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com. Websites: www.carepossible.org and www.randymoraitis.com.

valentine day

4 Steps to a Great Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day—the often dreaded, frequently disappointing, and usually expensive holiday is here.

Here are 4 easy to remember steps to help make this Valentine’s Day have more lasting meaning and depth than you can buy with an expensive present. (You can still buy the present!)

L—LOVE.
One of the best ways to show you love and care about someone is to actively listen to them. Look them in their eyes when they talk to you. Reflect, and repeat back, some of what they say to you in order to show and ensure that you understand them. Feeling listened to will make someone feel loved and cared for.

O—Overcome.
When you are in a long term relationship with someone you are bound to experience conflict. Remember to work together as a team so that you can overcome any bumps in the road together.

V—Value.
Stop and think about how important your special someone is to you. What do they mean to you? What do you appreciate about them? Whatever just came to your mind—be sure to share that. Tell them how much you value and appreciate them.

E—Encourage.
One of my favorite quotes is “encourage one another and build each other up” (from 1 Thessalonians 5:11). Our words are so powerful—we need to use them to encourage and build up our loved ones. It takes five positive comments to balance out one negative comment to others (read that twice so it sinks in!). Make sure your words encourage those you love if you really want them to feel loved.

Whether you are spending time on Valentine’s Day with your spouse, your significant other, or your children, if you remember to Listen, Overcome, Value, and Encourage them, I am pretty sure that they are going to feel the love!

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com or visit my websites www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com

teen drug testing

Should I Drug Test My Teen?

People often ask me whether they should drug test their teen. I believe that home drug testing of teens is a great tool, but like any tool, it must be used properly. Here are some facts to guide you in your decision making:

Easy Access–Home drug tests can be purchased online or in most pharmacies. Before purchasing, be sure to do some research online, or ask your physician or pharmacist for their recommendation. Be aware that home drug tests do not test for every drug, but they are still very useful.

Peer Pressure Victory–Most teens will inevitably be faced with peer pressure or circumstances to try drugs. If you let your teen know that they will be randomly drug tested, then you are giving them a safe way out of these pressure filled situations. This can be very powerful!

Tested Positive—Now What?–Think through how you will respond if your teen tests positive. Start with an honest heart-to-heart and try to find out what is going on in your teen’s life. Schedule an appointment with a counselor specializing in addictions. Continue testing and if there are more positive results get your teen into treatment.

Tested Negative—Now What?–A negative test deserves praise and still serves as an opportunity for honest discussion about drugs and alcohol—a subject that many are uncomfortable to discuss. Create a culture in your family where it is safe to talk about anything.

Also, keep in mind that a negative test may also mean that drugs have simply already passed through your teen’s system and are no longer detectable. If you observe suspicious behavior, follow your intuition and test again soon or consult with your physician or a counselor.

Parenting teens is hard! The wise parent will use every tool in the toolbox and drug testing is a great tool. I’d enjoy hearing your thoughts on this subject. You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com or visit my websites www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com.

By Randy Moraitis, MA, BCPC, CPC

I once heard it said that raising a teenager is like trying to nail jello to a tree–very challenging. I should know, I’m on my fifth teen and I’ve got the gray hairs to prove it!

Parents of teens have so much to worry about when their teens go out–alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, texting while driving–the list is very long and very scary.

Before your teen goes out, as part of setting clear expectations and boundaries, be sure to ask these five questions:

1. What will you be doing?

2. Where will you be going?

3. Who will you be with?

4. When will you be home?

5. How can I reach you?

By asking these questions, and only allowing your teen to go out once you have the answers, you are being a very proactive and responsible parent and sending a message to your teen that you love them and are paying attention.

Next blog–“Should I drug test my teen?”

I’d enjoy hearing your thoughts on this subject. You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com or visit my websites ==www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com